Stunts of a Staggerer...

Stunts of a Staggerer: Volume One

2012-01-19T02:58:00.000-08:00

It’s been eight months since I graduated with my master’s degree—eight months of adventure, learning, understanding, and growth. I love being a counselor, and currently work as a therapist for an organization that specializes in treatment of children on the autism spectrum. When I’m not with these amazing kids, I’m pulling all-nighters in the psych wards of Denver. I truly enjoy it all, no doubt; but it took me a bit to get here. For the past eight months, I’ve been all over the place—literally. My adventures—or stunts—have taught me more than I can explain. However, this blog entry will have to suffice as a beginning.

BARTENDING IN BOSTON. It took a while to get settled and begin the search as a counselor in Massachusetts. Therefore, I decided to wait tables in the meantime (a) because I was bored, (b) I needed some form of income, (c) I remembered how from my undergrad days, and (d) who doesn’t like free food? After two weeks in, the GM waltzed up to me (which terrified me because I knew my converse directly violated the dress code) and asked, “Yeah, so, um, Shelby—you wanna work on the ba? You’ve got the smile the ba needs—always sellin’ those ma-gs and be-ah. What do you say, eh?” I was dumbfounded: what the heck was a “ba” and was it possible I had worked in the restaurant business since I was 14 and honestly not known? Seeing my confusion, the GM quickly added, “Ba, Shelby B-A-R.” Oh, yes, the nor’easter talk—drops the “r” sound. Alas, I said I was up for it and began my first experience tending bar. I loved it—it was an art to mix drinks—and it gave my mind a workout remembering all of the ingredients and amounts. I finally learned how to put all of that advanced math to use! And I also learned quite a bit about people. I feel like I did an incredible amount of pro bono therapy behind the beer tap. In addition to this, I learned what it feels like to actually be a bartender—and I’ve got consumer tips for you…
(1) Don’t sit at the bar if you won’t be ordering an alcoholic beverage. It affects tips and regulars get angry—also affecting tips.
(2) We are going to pour you the most expensive drink, no matter what, to get the biggest tip out of you. The more expensive the drink, the bigger the tip... we hope.
(3) Please don’t flirt. Writing your phone number on the bottom of the tip receipt is a waste of your tipsy penmanship—we just want to be able to read the tip line.
(4) Let us make your drink. Not you. Unless you’re at home in your own bar, we know what we’re pouring—we are mixing up a good tip.
(5) We are not afraid to call you a taxi. No one should get hurt, so we’ll get you a ride in a nice yellow cab home—then you can tip the driver, too!

Okay, you get it—bartending is all about making the tips. Actually, the entire food industry is. But it’s an easy way to make ends meet while you’re waiting for the dream job to come through. Oh, and should you find yourself bartending in New England and having a difficult time understanding an order through the thick accent—assume it’s for a Sam Adams. It usually is.

WONDERS IN WALMART. Once I was back in the Denver area, I found myself again, (a) bored, (b) in need of income, and (c) curious about a proposed employee discount. Walmart happened to be hiring for the holidays, and I managed to land a position as a cashier. I lasted for 21 days. Yes, 21 whole days of scanning items—which, might I add, is not the easiest thing to do!? Especially milk. You’ve got to turn it just at the right angle and slowly guide the barcode… You get my point. Anyway, after being the girl behind this counter, I’ve got some more consumer tips.
(1) The fast-checker/slow-checker is a myth. Cahiers can check their scanned items, a scored number based on items, well, scanned. Testy as I am, one day I went as fast as possible and scored 561.3. I then went as slow as possible and scored a 559.7. The score means nothing—the lines will always be slow.
(2) Ask for price comparison. We really hate to look up prices, so know what the item is you want to compare and we will probably give it to you.
(3) Coupons don’t really ever expire. If it has a barcode, it works. Push for the cashier to take it.
(4) Don’t be on your cell phone while we ring you up. Not only is it inconsiderate, it’s unfair that we can only hear half of the juicy conversation.
(5) Lose the rude-tude. No, seriously. You’re not “above” or “better than” a Walmart associate. Don’t assume just because someone is employed by Walmart that his/her life is a waste. More than half your cashiers have Bachelor’s degrees.
(6) I want to laugh at you when you buy bananas and condoms in the same basket. It just makes me think of the movie 10 Things I Hate About You and that causes me to laugh uncontrollably. End of story.
(7) Please do not ask how much longer a shift is. Chances are we look exhausted when we’ve just begun because we hate it. Then it’s even more depressing to tell you we have eight hours to go.
(8) Our persona is falsified. Its fun to create and alternative identity with each customer. So to him, I’m just a college student. To you? I may be an undercover cop about to bust you for attempting to buy beer with that fake ID. Just saying; you never know.
(9) Please take clothes off the hangers. That extra time spent moving hangers really muddle the scanned items score that doesn’t matter.
(10) If you’re in a rush—you probably shouldn’t have come to Walmart.
(11) Don’t use a self-checkout if you don’t know how. Helping you bag an item turns our attention away from the Mt. Dew teenage thieves.
(12) 20 means 20. Not 30, not 27. 20 means 20. Got it?

Hopefully my Walmart insight satisfies you as much as it did me writing it. Walmart was an experience of its own. And although I was incredibly grateful for the interim job… it just wasn’t for me. (Hence the aversion in my aforementioned points.)

I'm glad I'm in my field, and actually counseling. I'm still not sure where I'll settle for good, but this shall be adequate for now. And, as usual, expect more random and crazy experiences and adventures from me as I continue along this journey.

Love it Now.

2010-07-11T14:24:00.000-07:00

The here and now. For all my psych friends, this is a phrase ingrained in us that we will never forget. The here and now is where the power lies, after all, allowing us to take control of the future and to work toward developing goals we so desire to meet. If we focus on the here and now, then surely we can learn to love ourselves, our lives, and where we are…in the moment.

In the moment. Ah, yes. Another phrase that floats around our daily vocabulary. “I only did it in the moment because it felt right,” or “in the moment, it seemed like the best alternative.” I’m sure this list could continue. What amazes me is that in our world, we are so determined to figure out the future. We make five-year plans and get cars with ten-year warranties. We are consistently bettering ourselves to appear more marketable in the future. And while we do this, we miss the here and now. When we do recognize it, we limit it to just being “in the moment.” What if we were called to live in the here and now, to devote our talents to the moment before us?

I recently read a passage in Isaiah that forever changed the way I consider living in the here and now and for this moment. God called Isaiah, a prophet of the Lord, to prophecy about the coming King, Jesus. He talks about the doom that has overcome Israel, and later, about the glory of the Lord’s best gift; his one and only Son. Redemption for Israel (and all of us) comes through Jesus. As Isaiah prophecies, he declares:

“Is this not the kind of fasting I want? Free those who are wrongly imprisoned, lighten the burden of those who work for you. Let the oppressed go free, and remove the chains that bind people. Share your food with the hungry, and give shelter to the homeless. Give clothes to those who need them, and do not hide from relatives who need your help. Then your salvation will come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind. Then when you call the Lord will quickly answer. “Yes I am here, he will quickly reply.” –Isaiah 58:6-9 (NIV/NLT)[1]

I know, that is a chunk of words. But the implication is profound. Jesus wants us—you and me—to help those in need. To be the comfort of the brokenhearted, the love of the weary. What an honorable calling! In order to fulfill this, we must be living in the here and now. There is no way to serve with a gaze fixed on the future; we would simply miss all that is before us right now. If we get so caught up in wanting the Lord to quickly answer our prayers or to fix our wounds, we will fail to notice those around us who are in desperate need. In addition, I believe this passage calls us to take a fast from ourselves. The fast God wants is not about starving ourselves and throwing dirt on our heads so people will notice how spiritual we are. No. God’s fast is that of giving up ourselves—our selfish desires—to help those in need.

When I was home for Christmas break, I indulged in a stack of Pentecostal Evangels that my grandmother had “saved” for me. There were several articles that caught my eye, but there was one header—a quote—that has been my theme these last seven months. It said: “I discovered that in God's eyes, no vice is unconquerable. No life is unredeemable. No heart is unchangeable. No act is unpardonable. No barrier is unbreakable.”[2] Nothing can stop God from loving us. I pray that is freeing for you to hear, as it is for me. Anyway, the reason this quote got to me was because I realized just how deep God’s love goes. He looks on us with pardon, from the start. He never lets go. He holds us close. It says in the Bible that he has “engraved our names on his hand.”

Wow. Shouldn’t this love be overflowing, causing us to impact our world right now, where we are? And shouldn’t we be doing it for God alone? Aaron Shust sings about this: “This life is not my own. To God alone be the glory; to God alone be the praise. Everything I say and do, let it be all for You. The glory is Yours alone / We will rise, and we will fall. But You remain, after all.”[3] As aforementioned… It’s a daily process of fasting from ourselves to do God’s work, for God alone.

Personally, this isn’t an easy task. Don’t get me wrong… Missouri is a nice place and all… But I’m not exactly sold out on my heart being here. This past week, I had a very difficult week at work, due to an unexpected occurrence with a client. (Rules of confidentiality limit what I can and cannot share; so vague is best right now.) As I began to process through all that I was experiencing in reaction, I realized that I had overlooked something that was in the moment. While I was caught up in creating goals that would last for a year, I missed a broken, aching heart that was in the here and now. I’ve had several conversations with wonderful supervisors and coworkers that have helped me to grasp more of what I am experiencing—but nothing can tear my mind away from the fact that my heart was not in the here and now. After I left a conversation a few nights ago, I realized that my heart is here now. I care about what is going on here. And for the next however-many-months I am here, I need to continue to focus on what lies before me. I want to give all I can, here and now.

Like I said, not an easy process. Leeland and Brandon Heath have a wonderful song about the calling to help those in need, right now. They sing, “I’ll follow You, into the arms of the broken. Follow You into the world. Meet the needs of the poor and the needy, God, I’ll follow You into the world / And I give, all myself. Yes I give, all myself. I give all myself, to You.”[4] The Fray also has an amazing song, Never Say Never. They sing, “Don’t let me go, don’t let me go…”[5] This is my prayer. I hope you’ll join me and let it be your prayer, too. Let’s give all we have to follow where people need us. And let’s not let go of those in need, here and now.

[1] New International Version, / Living Translation, 2004

[2] Pentecostal Evangel, January 2010

[3] Shust, Aaron, Take Over, To God Alone, 2009

[4] Leeland, Love is On the Move, Follow You (special guest Brandon Heath), 2009

[5] Fray, Never Say Never, 2009

Bursting at the Seams

2010-01-10T10:07:00.000-08:00

I have never been a fan of New Years Resolutions. Not at all. To me, they seem like goals that will never be achieved. Let’s take a vote: Who wants to start off a new year with a foreseen failure? Great. No one… Yet for some strange reason at this time every year, I develop goals that I would like to see myself accomplish. They are usually simple goals: be more organized with my time, learn a new instrument; brush up on an old one. But since 2006, my goals have also had a spiritual aspect to them.

Rarely am I content with where I am. For me, constant change is needed. Not necessarily physical change, location change, occupation change. But rather, I need to know that when I wake up a year from now in 2011, Jesus alone has changed me—that I have come to a place of greater spiritual maturity and reliance upon Jesus.

Welcome, 2010. For me, I am praying this year will be one of reconciliation, restoration, divine healing, passionate faith, obedience, and growth. That’s a long list. I know. Yet if you recall my last posting, I said that I had a list of 2010 goals that I believe I could accomplish. Well, those goals all lie within the aforementioned list of what I’m praying for. And all of these goals require some form of measurement, right?

Back in November, my pastor at my church, Tommy Sparger1, spoke about a spiritual inventory, if you will. This inventory is a list of 10 questions that you can ask yourself to see if your goals are still in obedience to God’s will and your heart still set on following him. In other words, the questions look into motives, desires, spiritual growth, and ultimately answer the question “Why do I do what I do?” While sitting in service, five of the questions tugged on my heart, specifically. Before I can accurately plan goals for 2010, these questions must first be answered.

1. Am I content with where I am going? Oh snap. This question cuts to my core. If I am content with where I am going, chances are that Jesus has shown me this direction. If I’m not so content… well… I may need to rethink what I am doing. Am I content? At times, more than ever. What I am doing, where I am—it all feels right. But I, like many others, have my moments of doubt as well. Bringing them before the Lord is imperative.

2. Am I becoming less religious and more spiritual? I have to honestly ask myself, “Has my faith become more of a duty than a privilege?” If I am truly in Christ, I will see the fruit. I won’t see routine and schedule. I’ll see Jesus’ agenda being played out in my day-to-day life.

3. Am I taking responsibility for my own spiritual growth? I love this question. I don’t ask Jimmy if I can borrow his growth chart to mark off my height. I don’t ask him to lend me a few inches. It is the same with our spiritual lives—we must be self-feeding in order to grow. This means time with Jesus… yes, daily. As author Jeff Cook2 writes, “Those who make Christ’s perspective their own will stand forever.”

4. Have I maintained genuine awe of God? I am afraid to say that this is the area I lack most. I forget that my God is a God of healing, of restoration, of strength. While flying from Arizona back to Missouri, Chris Tomlin3 came on my iPod. I cried in my front row coach seat as I heard him sing, “The Lord has promised good to me, his Word my hope secures. He will my shield and portion be, as long as life endures. My chains are gone; I’ve been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, his mercy reigns, unending love, amazing grace.” In that moment, with tears streaming down my face, I realized that I needed a fresh renewal of the joy of my salvation. The fact that Jesus is mine and I am his, the fact that I’ve been forgiven and I am an heir of Christ… yeah, in that moment, I was able to re-answer that fourth question.

5. Is my obedience in small matters built into my reflexes? Do I obey God, no matter what he is asking? This is a great way to gauge what I am doing—and whom I am doing it for.

I was challenged after my last post by a former pastor and current friend of mine4. He challenged me to have at least one goal that I cannot obtain without Jesus’ help. Such great advice! What is exciting about this spiritual inventory is that it allows me to do that. When we do it, it allows us to be humble before God, truly asking him to search our hearts and reveal himself to us. That reveal allows him to work in our lives. Like clay in the potter’s hand, we become pliable when vulnerable to what he wants. Cook also writes, “The material before him [God] is often foul and nasty, but the renovation is now.” God does not care what I looked like in 2009. He cares that my goals all revolve in allowing him to do the work, now. Why? Because “God loves to raise the dead.”

This should set a spark off within us! God wants to change us, to do something new and creative within us that will flow outward and touch those he loves. 2010 goals… Well, they are actually, simply one: Let God change me in a new way; being transformed more into his liking, the way that he decides should be done. And you know what? I will probably make mistakes along the way. I’ll decide I can rule my life better (sad story, really) than God or that I know the right move to make. Robert S. McGee says, “When you determine not to make a mistake, it will paralyze you.5” Wow. I am determined to follow God. And I am praying that I will be quick to repentance when I do realize any mistakes (against the Lord) made.

I do pray, that for you and I, during 2010 our hunger for the Lord would increase. That we might sing out, “Close my eyes, I’m trying to listen. Oh, ‘cause it’s been so long since I’ve heard you speak. Send your love, cover over the distance between you and me. Oh, how long must I wait for my love, ‘cause I need you, oh I need you. My heart is bursting and breaking apart for my love.6”

1 Tommy Sparger, Pastor of North Point Church, Sermon, 11.22.09 (available at http://tommysparger.com/?p=1524)

2 Jeff Cook, Seven: The Deadly Sins and the Beatitudes, Zondervan, 2008

3 Chris Tomlin, Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone), See the Morning, 2007

4 Gordon McClure, Music Pastor of Asbury Church Wichita

5 Robert S. McGee, The Search for Significance, W Publishing Group, 2003

6 Phil Wickham, Must I Wait, Cannons, 2007

End of Year Beliefs

2009-12-26T20:04:00.002-08:00

As the year comes to a close, I look back at 2009 with a bittersweet view. 2009 was not only a great year, but also one of the hardest years of my life. Emotionally, I had to deal with a vast amount of things. I moved three times—first just down the street into a condo and then to Arizona before landing in Missouri for grad school. I graduated with my bachelor’s degree at UNC, and was up for a rude awakening that having a degree doesn’t exactly guarantee you a job.

Indeed, as Charles Dickens put it, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” As I came to grips with the ending of my undergraduate degree, the move from home, and the move mentors close to my heart, I began to see amazing things unfold in my life. I had a life-changing summer in Arizona, growing, learning, and being part of an amazing student ministry. Not only was it great to spend the summer with my family, I was blessed to make some close, wonderful new friends. Once I arrived in Missouri, life took flight!

As if graduate school was not enough, I desperately searched for a job, unable to obtain one right away. Finally, the university offered me a position for the semester, doing data analysis. Sounds gross, right? I actually loved hanging out with numbers all day! The job was a perfect fit time-wise, offering me the chance to spend a better portion of the Christmas break at home. Beautiful.

Graduate school is anything but easy. I left my first semester with a 4.0, but not without hard work and serious amounts of studying. I did not realize that my mind was capable of reading 18 chapters a week on psychotherapies, modalities and theories, research and statistics, and clinical interventions. Whew. It was tough, but I honestly believe that I have learned a lot. I am looking forward to starting again in a couple weeks.

I also began working with the youth (high school girls, 11/12 grades) at my church, North Point (NPC). Check it out here! I love it, and was able to continue with a Chi Alpha-like attitude by leading a small group (called a connect group) through the church. We started with just three (four including myself) and are now up to 13. Although not all attend every week, I am amazed to see how it has grown and what a diverse group it really is. Some are from Evangel University, some just attend NPC and are college age girls, a few attend Missouri State University, and others are in vocational-tech schools and local community colleges. It is amazing to watch these girls learn, grow, and bond. I am honored to be in this position.

All in all, 2009 has been a good, productive, challenging, and stretching year—and I have loved several moments of it. Once I’m back in Springfield (next week) I plan to blog about some New Year ideas and 2010 goals. Yes, I’ve already got some goals—and all of them I believe I can accomplish! I’ll need your help though. Stay tuned for that. In the meantime, I’ve got a story to share . . .

From this holiday season, I couldn’t help but be amazed as my family convinced Jaxson, my youngest cousin (30 months) that Santa was bringing him toys. The joy of new presents lit up his face; he truly believed in Santa. It was easy. Sure, Jax is three years old and quite easy to sway (on given days!). But what if we took that same message and applied it to our lives?

No. I am not talking about getting kids to believe in Santa or the Easter Bunny. Rather, what if we took the knowledge we have—about Jesus—and shared it with great enthusiasm as if we wanted people to truly believe? I think it would change the world.

This is just a challenge for all of you who read this (myself included!). Santa can brighten up a child’s face within seconds. And you know what? Santa does not even exist! (Take a moment and pause if this is news to you. I know what an impact it can be… Ha!) What if we began sharing the true Light, the true Joy, the true Peace with those around us? Would their faces light up with the knowledge that Something so wonderful truly existed? I believe so. I say we give it a shot.

Enjoy the rest of 2009... Light up some faces before 2010... And then light up some more.

A Pile of Charred Rubble

2009-09-06T14:01:00.000-07:00

Threats. Angry words. Harsh emotions. Negative thoughts. Horrific actions. I bet you’re thinking that these words are just peachy, right? Not so much. Each one of these words and phrases represents things we personally do not like to experience in our lives. Yet for some reason, we tend to retreat to them on a variety of levels. Whether we’re being threatened, or we want control of a situation so we throw around angry words, these things occur. It’s a sad mystery to me, why our hearts would desire love but we go about our days coinciding with negative thoughts.

Of course, the main idea of this goes all the way back to Adam and Eve, when they allowed sin to enter the earth[1]. God didn’t exactly love the way creation was headed, so he found his most righteous—Noah—and had him build an ark[2]. God’s plan was to start over… I learned in church this morning that we can start over, but it doesn’t deal with the root problem. Soon after God had dried the land of the floodwaters, sin overtook a people he called chosen. The root problem was sin, and even today we still live in it, trying to figure out how to get through it.

Since the days of Adam, Eve, and Noah, Israel as God’s chosen people were in and out of God’s Law. Some, like King David, searched and yearned for a relationship with God[3]. They were devoted followers and kept his commands. Somehow though, the entire nation went through this cycle. First, they would find out their enemies were coming to conquer and capture them. So they’d cry out to God, who would hear and save the people. After God did this though, they’d turn to their pagan shrines and even the jazzy god of Baal. God would be disappointed and allow their enemies to come defeat them. Again they would cry out though, and God would save them. It was this constant cycle of using God for their gratification.

Using God. I have this hunch that as you’re reading this, you’re feeling what I’m feeling—oh no. We’ve messed up. We’re just like the Israelites. We call on God only when we need him. And we leave him out when we don’t. Sad. The reality of this is that, unfortunately, the awful things aforementioned usually come out when we are not spending time with God. In my terms—I become pretty ugly when I lack time with the Creator who made me beautiful. That’s sad news.

Imagine this with me. The Israelites were just released from captivity in Babylon[4]. They’re pretty excited, and ready to follow God. They want to be that reflection of God, and they’re ready to do it. They go back to Jerusalem and Judah and their old surrounding cities and begin living there again, enthralled that they get to “start over.” But remember, starting over doesn’t erase the root problem. Ezra and Nehemiah also go back, and Nehemiah is now the governor. As governor, he decides that the Wall of Jerusalem should be rebuilt—after all, the Israelites will need protection and a boundary for their homestead.

Enemies opposed. Sound familiar? How many times in our lives have enemies opposed what we’ve done? “Sanballat was very angry when he learned that we were rebuilding the wall. He flew into a rage and mocked the Jews, saying in front of his friends and the Samarian army officers, ‘What does this bunch of poor, feeble Jews think they’re doing? Do they think they can build a wall in a single day by just offering a few sacrifices? Do they actually believe they can make something of stones from a rubbish heap—and a charred on at that?’ Tobiah the Ammonite, who was standing beside him remarked, ‘That stone wall would collapse if even a fox walked on top of it!’”—Nehemiah 4:1-3 (NLT) Pretty awful, eh? I think if I was Nehemiah, I’d be pretty discouraged. After all, I am just trying to rebuild something to protect my people.

Nehemiah isn’t going to use God. He’s not even going to consult with God. Instead, he continues offering sacrifices and praising the God he knows is powerful and mighty. He trusts that God will help them with this task, regardless of the enemies they oppose. And his trust in God filters throughout all of Jerusalem. It filters so much that the entire wall is actually built in just 52 days. Astonishing for a people who didn’t have cranes and trucks and all the wonderful tools we do today. God heard their prayers. He appreciated their sacrifices. He helped his people who drew near to him. “When our enemies in the surrounding nations heard about it, they were frightened and humiliated. They realized this work had been done with the help of God.”—Nehemiah 6:16 (NLT) God’s not a shy God. He makes his work known!

Something powerful and profound occurred when the people submitted themselves to God. Back in those days, jobs of the Levites revolved around working in the Temple of God. It was not uncommon for someone to pray, or to spend a daily quiet time with the Lord. It was the norm. Today… Well… We have life to deal with! We have jobs and school and demanding family lives. There is so much going on that we hardly have time to breath—let alone spend quiet time with Jesus. What ends up happening is that Jesus gets the back burner. Whatever we can spare for prayer right as we’re closing our eyes at night. I’m not condemning the Christian population—I am just hoping to challenge us; that we may learn from Nehemiah and surrender wholeheartedly to God.

We have to trust God. We have to believe that he is indeed mighty and powerful, and in control of every situation we face. “But Shelby! You’re asking a LOT! “I know, I know. And I’m in the trusting boat right now, too. Even as I walk through it, I am seeing how important it really is.

“I will stand on the Solid Rock, I believe if I feel it or not. Word of God come and fill my thoughts, I am yours, take control! … On Christ the Solid Rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand.[5]” As the lyrics imply, stand firm on Christ the Solid Rock. Nehemiah and the Israelites built the Wall of Jerusalem on the Solid Rock, and God was with them the whole way through. Just like he is, and will be, with us. Start with Christ, and he will rebuild you up from the pile of rubble. Wholehearted commitment to the King will help us to monitor our thoughts and our mouths—and help us to sing praise to the Creator through every walk of life.

[1] Genesis 3:1-7

[2] Genesis 6:8-7:24

[3] Refer to 1 and 2 Samuel and Psalms

[4] Refer to the books of Ezra and Nehemiah

[5] Solid Rock, New Life Worship, Counting on God, 2008

Hand in Hand

2009-08-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

It was late, about two in the morning, when I gazed out of the truck’s back window up at the glowing moon. It was perfect; round and placed significantly in the right place to lead us across Arizona and right into the heart of the Texas panhandle. Everything seemed to be going well, almost surreal for a 25 hour drive. And then my dad jolted from the passenger’s seat and demanded my mom to pull the truck over. There were sparks flying from the trailer, and we didn’t know what from. My inspiring moment was lessening as we pulled to the side of the road, the little crevasses gently vibrating the truck. The next thing we heard: “We lost a tire!”

Panic. It was early in the morning, pitch black, and we were on a freeway somewhere in Texas. Who on earth would be able to find us?! We attempted to change the tire, but our tools didn’t fit the trailer tire’s bolts. That’s when we decided to drive as slow as possible to the nearest light—about two miles away—and look for help. We rumbled into a truck stop, and after searching inside found nothing. We didn’t know what to do. My dad walked around asking perfect strangers if they would lend us tools or a hand, while my mom and I called the trusty State Farm for roadside assistance. Two in the morning. No one would come for hours, especially since we made it to a stop.

That’s when my dad made a final attempt at asking for help. And here was God’s provision; this man had the tools and was able to change our tire for us…. and air up the others that were going flat. Jesus’ command not to worry was for a reason. As the sun began to rise in Texas, I was reminded of how God knows everything. He knew where our tire would blow out, how we would get to the route 66 stop, and he orchestrated that stranger to have the tools to help us. He planned that moment of showing us his faithfulness. Glorious, really.

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?... “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of Godabove all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” – Matthew 6:25-27, 31-33 (NLT).

Too often in our lives, I believe we get caught up in doing things for ourselves. Our way. I mean, hey, if I am so good at one thing, why would I need any help from Jesus? He gave me this gifting, right? Yes. But oh so wrong, too. Jesus so desires to be a part of our lives, on every level. That’s why he says to seek first the Kingdom—that has to constantly be at the forefront of our minds. Jesus should be the person we talk with before we make any major decisions, or any decision at all. He should be the person we so desire to spend time with and worship, because we are in constant awe of how he provides. He tells us not to worry, but he asks us to seek the Kingdom first. With our eyes fixed upon Jesus, the worries of today and tomorrow seem like mere glitches that can be easily fixed. The way we get to this point, though, is taking our eyes off of ourselves and letting go of the things we so easily cling to. Yeah, I am talking about giving up the worldly desires.

Jeff Cook[1] wrote that, “Obsession with self is the defining mark of a disintegrating soul.” In other words, the more we obsess about our lives and the things we do great, the things we have, etc., the more we pull our soul away from what we should be seeking first and foremost—God and his Kingdom. Too quickly, life tends to take over and we find ourselves holding hands with material possessions, pride, relationships, education, occupations, and the like. With our hands tied up in those things, it’s awfully hard to see anything else.

A young friend of mine had another friend tell her this analogy of holding God’s hands. Basically, we cannot hold God’s hands while holding the hands of something/someone else. This young friend of mine explained how her life’s struggle has to be let go of in order to hold God’s hands. And it struck home with me. How true that is. The things in my life that I hold on to, things like pride, and education/intelligence, those things can cause self-obsession and pull me away from the Creator whose hands I was meant to hold.

See, holding hands with Jesus isn’t giving up. It’s saying, “Jesus, I want to do this with you.” When we make that transition from letting go of the world’s hands and placing our hands in God’s, we transition our trust from the world to the King. It’s not easy. The things of this world are tangible. Best friends are tangible. Cars are tangible. Churches are tangible. But if we don’t place our trust in God, all of these tangible things are bound to fall apart and never truly satisfy us. Only God, and a relationship with him, is what will fill the largest void in our lives. Placing our hands in God’s and trusting him declares that we are ready to overcome the struggles of our lives. Placing our hands in God’s at two in the morning in Texas helped us to see and understand the blessing of Mr. Stranger.

I’ve just made a big transition, personally. I am now living in Missouri, getting ready to pursue my master’s degree. Everything that could have gone wrong when I got here did. From the tire blowout to not having any keys work (both apartment and mailbox), it was a crazy few days. Now that I’m settled, I have to make that choice yet again to choose not to worry. To seek first the Kingdom, and to hold the hands of Jesus.

When we choose to live life hand in hand with Jesus, we can sing freely, “show me Your heart, show me Your way, show me Your glory[2],” and trust that he will.

[1] Jeff Cook, Seven: The Deadly Sins and the Beatitudes, 2008, Zondervan

[2] Fire Fall Down, Chris Quilala, We Cry Out, 2008 JesusCulture

What Am I?

2009-07-18T15:58:00.000-07:00

Friday is cleaning day. It’s no ordinary day in my parents’ house—it is honestly a day of making sure everything looks spick and span. By the end of the day, the house is gorgeously prepared for a new week. A few Fridays ago, I opened up the bathroom cabinet to get out some sparkling scrubbing bubbles. I must not have looked carefully enough, because I jammed my finger right into the shelf. I yelped in pain, of course far more dramatic than it really was.

From the kitchen, my dad screamed for me, “Shelby! Are you okay?! What happened?!” I walked out of the bathroom, holding up my bloody finger that looked far worse than the minor scratch I had actually encountered. My dad continued to freak out as I placed it under the kitchen faucet and soothed the sting with running water. And then it hit me. Yeah, it was just a little scratch and a little blood. But my dad was truly concerned. Just like I imagine God is truly concerned with the matters of our lives—whether it be the scrapes, scratches, bruises, or broken limbs of our lives. He cares deeply.

I received a card for my birthday (early) from my grandparents this week. The verse on it stuck out to me and has lingered on my heart all week. “For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears.He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”—Zephaniah 3:17 (NLT). I sat there reading the verse over and over, wondering why I was so obsessed with it. God is with me. God is my savior. God takes delight in me. God calms my fears with his love. God rejoices over me. Whoa. I am still amazed at how deeply he cares. He didn’t just make me in his image for the heck of it[1]. He wants to see himself in me—and that should be a desire of my heart as well. I may have only lived for a couple decades, but God truly cares about what I go through. And despite how often I feel like I go through it alone, he’s right there with me. He wants to rejoice and calm my fears.

I still don’t understand why though.

Shawn McDonald has a song that reiterates what I’m feeling. He sings, “As I look into the stars, pondering how far away they are, how You hold them in Your hands, and still You know this man. You know my inner most being, oh, even better than I know myself, than I know myself. What a beautiful God. What a beautiful God. And what am I, that I might be called Your child? What am I? What am I, that You might know me, my King? What am I? What am I?[2]” Apparently Shawn, along with King David in many Psalms, wondered the same things I wonder. Man. What am I that the God of all creation would care to know my name?

Sometimes when I look into this intense love that God has for us, I think I begin to feel far more than inadequate. I am just a girl, trying to follow the Lord yet full of struggles and heart issues. I find myself rather fallible—constantly ruining relationships, falling into temptation, lacking time with the King, speaking quickly and harshly, and forgetting that love never fails.[3] Quite honestly, these things bring me down; I hate seeing the enemy work in my life to further separate me and the One I so desire to live for. Who am I, this sinner that God would choose to know me?

“Lord I’m sorry, for the way I’ve treated You. Lord I’m sorry, for the wrong things that I do. Why don’t I just draw a little closer, instead of doing the same things over and over again? It’s over my head, I need You. Lord I’m sorry, for the wrong thoughts in my head. Lord I’m sorry, that they’re not words You have said.[4]” When I first heard these lyrics by Paul Wright, my heart connected and cried out to God. Oh Lord, I’m so sorry. I know I mess up. I don’t know why I do the same things over and over, but I know that I need You.

I believe we can grow in our relationship with Christ if we acknowledge how much we need him. I won’t lie: I need him a great deal! Just acknowledging that I need Jesus can lessen my aforementioned list of struggles and heart issues. Oh how I need his help through every circumstance, whether it is a scratch from hurtful words, or a broken heart from a destroyed friendship.

The pastor of my youth group[5] in Arizy spoke recently about growing in our relationship with Christ and what that looks like. In other words, how we know we’re growing. I sat there, mouth agape, wondering why those words were speaking directly to me. As drool probably dripped from the corner of my mouth, I couldn’t help but do some self-evaluation. I examined my heart. If I’m growing in Christ, I should see the fruit of the Spirit. Am I?

In John 15:4 (NLT) reads, “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.” What a wonderful promise, that Christ remains in us if we remain in him. With a world full of opportunities that pull us in different directions, I understand how difficult it can be to remain in him. However the fruit that grows from that relationship is astounding. “But the fruit of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”—Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV).

I want to see this fruit produced in me. I need Christ’s help, big time. Knowing how much he loves me, though, has me thinking that I really want to love him back the same. The God of all creation cares to know about my struggles, my life, and me. I want to care to share the life he’s given me with him. In Paul Wright’s words, “You say I’m Holy, if only I could see myself like You see me now.”

[1] Genesis 1:26-27

[2] Shawn McDonald, Beautiful, Simply Nothing, 2004

[3] 1 Corinthians 13:8

[4] Paul Wright, Sorry, Kingdom Come, 2006

[5] Mark Rempel, Senior High/Young Adult Pastor, Desert Springs Church, 2009

True Love

2009-06-24T11:47:00.000-07:00

“Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.”—1 Peter 4:8[1]. It is oddly difficult to begin a blog after that verse. Remember back in school, when someone would present their project right before yours and they did such a fabulous job that you were worrisome about presenting yours? Well this verse is like that. It’s so bold, so straightforward. How do I follow up that?

I have been in this dilemma, searching for what true love is. Not the frilly kind of love that we attach to certain situations or objects. Flippant love from me is my deep devotion to sushi, Thai, and Indian food. I love them. But is that true love? Absolutely not—it’s complete obsession with another culture’s food (and rightfully so, I might add).

Loving different foods and cultures is reasonable and might even be pleasing. However, I am searching for a love that’s deeper. I am talking about a love that is bottomless, unconditional, profound, and true. I am talking about a love that is rare in today’s society; and most likely will be until the end of time. In a fast-moving world that’s only concern is on the self and how to better the self, it is no wonder that true love has evaporated. We’ve chosen to define true love in an hour and forty-eight minute plot where a man and woman inevitably fall for one another in a strange way. Ahhhh. We love that feeling, right? Yet deep down, we realize that this is not true love; there must be more to love than this scripted journey.

If there is a true love that exists, how do we find it? And where do we find it? Henri Nouwen suggests an inner search; “You have to move gradually deeper into your heart.” Wait. Out hearts? Nouwen goes on to say, “Wherever there is true love for you, take it and be strengthened by it.[2]” In other words, we need to search the concealed heart within ourselves, and allow love to transform it. True love. Paul the apostle once informed the church of Corinth of what true love is. He wrote, “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love never fails.[3]” I think that gives us a pretty good insight as to what love is.

Let me propose an idea: love is not a feeling. Whoa, I know. But since the beginning of time, God has allowed every person to have choices. Everything in our lives is a choice. And my friends, love is a choice. Ravi Zacharias once said that “heaven can be other people, too, “ in the sense that we bestow love on others and that, “we have the power to bring a little of heaven into the lives of others everyday.[4]” Love is a choice. I have the power to bequeath love on every person I come into contact with. Through this choice to love, I am ultimately communicating the greatest choice to love another—Christ’s action on the cross. When Christ allowed himself to become the final sacrifice needed as an atonement of sin, he lavished God’s love on us for all eternity. True love then, rests in the choice to give and give freely. True love is the choice to be patient, kind, and never demand our own way. True love is the choice to flee from jealousy, boastful attitudes, pride, and the like. It’s our choice to live without keeping records of wrongs and to never give up. To never lose faith. To know that love will never fail.

If we allowed Christ’s love to be lavished upon us, there is a chance that we “were swept up in wonder and love. Quite simply, we were infatuated with Jesus, in love with love.[5]” Correct me if I am wrong, by why wouldn’t we want to be in love with true love—unconditional love?

Jesus didn’t make it impossible for us. Sure, love for him may have looked easy because love is the nature of God. However, Jesus still had to make the choice to love us and die for us. I am sure grateful he did. Now, love is not an easy choice to make. Just remember a teacher who gave you a hard time, a parent that was neglectful, or a friend who ended a friendship with lies. It’s difficult to love when we feel hurt or wronged. As Paul pointed out though, love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. And in the starting verse, love covers a multitude of sins. Our love, flowing from Christ through us, has the power to change lives.

Love is also a hard choice to make if our minds are not in the right place. James Emery White, in A Mind for God, wrote about the choice to think like Jesus and the chasm that exists between our hearts and our minds. “There is then a great divide when it comes to how we approach the very act of thinking…there is either something outside ourselves that we must take into account, or there is not.[6]” The power behind this statement is that we have to choose to love, despite the divide of our heart and mind. If I am going to make a choice to love from my heart, I have to make the choice to think about things that will help me to love from my mind.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”—Philippians 4:8[7]. If we set our minds on these things, surly we will find ourselves in a state of mind geared toward loving. It’s our choice to let this true love flow from within us, so that others may experience what we know.

The journey doesn’t end here. The quest for true love comes and goes. However, I’ve learned one thing thus far. True love leaves me singing; “I can’t imagine life without You, without You. It’s all for You. Yeah it’s all for You.[8]”

[1] New Living Translation, 2004

[2] Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love, 1996

[3] 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, New Living Translation, 2004

[4] As quoted by Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz, 2003

[5] Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child, 2002

[6] James Emery White, A Mind for God, 2006

[7] New Living Translation, 2004

[8] Hillsongs, You Deserve, This is Our God, 2008

Owning Brokenness

2009-05-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

It would be considered cliché if I decided to open up this new journey blog with a post about Jeremiah 29:11, right? I mean after all, that verse is popularly used whenever someone embarks on a new journey. Despite its popularity, I truly feel that it is a verse that is timely and legitimate for what has already begun in my life—and what is yet to come.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT). Something that continues to amaze me is how God always sees the entire picture. Try as I might, I can’t ever seem to get past one frame of this multi-scene production. Thankfully, God understands that we are dust, made in a capacity that should long after him but strives for understanding [1]. And in this, God continues to walk beside us, take us into his arms, and allow us to go through life one frame at a time.

One thing that I’ve been learning through the past few months is that God allows brokenness. I know, it doesn’t sound great. I mean if God is a God of love, then why allow the brokenness? It’s quite simple, actually. Sister Barbara Fiand once said that, “Wholeness is brokenness, owned and thereby healed.[2]” I’ve been analyzing this statement and trying to figure out what it might mean. I think I finally understand.

When God allows us to be broken, it is because he loves us too much to leave us the way we are. He wants to see his plans for us come to completion, and that often means we have to be broken. Our eyes have to be shattered in order to be able to be put back together with a fixation on Christ. When God breaks us, something inside of us longs to be with him, to reside near his peaceful presence. When God breaks us, he helps change us to be more like Jesus.

Sister Barbara Fiand understood this. She figured out that we couldn’t assume ourselves as whole people until we have embraced our brokenness. It takes a true person to look deep into their heart, accept his/her brokenness, own it, and allow God to walk through the healing process with him/her. There is a wholeness that emerges from that process—and it is a wholeness that brings us closer to the King.

What is our brokenness? Sometimes things in life cause brokenness. Things like deaths, loss of a friendship, breaks in a relationship, etc. And sometimes, brokenness results from God asking us to change a jealous heart, a prideful attitude, selfish ambition, a temper of resentful feelings, and the like

At some point, we are challenged to accept our brokenness and embrace it. To walk through our daily lives, clinging to the brokenness because we realize that God is going to bring his plan for our lives one step closer as we allow him to heal us through this brokenness.

Lifehouse has a song, “Broken” that just reiterates this belief. In the chorus, they sing, “I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing. With a broken heart, that’s still beating. In the pain, there is healing. In Your name, I find meaning. So I’m holding on, I’m holding on, I’m holding on. I’m barely holding on to You.” Wow.

What makes this song so unique is that there is this understanding of brokenness. Clearly, there is some hurt and anguish being discovered, but through the pain, there is healing. Looking to the Lord, there is meaning for our lives. And we hold on. We must hold on, because his plans are to give us a hope and a future. [3] Lifehouse goes on to sing, “I tried my best to be guarded, I’m an open book instead. And I still see Your reflection inside of my eyes; that are looking for purpose, they’re still looking for life.” See, no matter where we are in this walk, in this journey, we have to believe what the Lord told Jeremiah. There is a plan for our futures. There is a purpose. And God is in charge of all of that. That’s why even when we’re broken; we have to look for the reflection of Christ in our eyes. It’s there.

I would be the last person to ever sugar coat the breaking process and tell you that it is easy to jump from brokenness to wholeness and all that jazz. In fact, I would probably be the first to tell you that it is a grueling process, one that truly defines who you are and Who you follow. Something about brokenness makes us wince inside, in our ‘inyards’ if you will, and rightfully so. It’s a process, and that’s not something we like to deal with. But if we want to allow God to work in us to his completion, we’ve got to allow the brokenness to occur. I have to step aside and say, “Okay God. You’re the one in charge here. This hurts. I don’t like to think of myself as weak and enduring something so difficult. But. I trust you. I accept this brokenness. I know it’s a part of me for the time being, and I am going to allow you to heal me through it.” I know. Easier said than done, regardless of what the brokenness is.

Sure, I am about to embark on this new journey of graduate school. I have moved away from the only home I’ve truly known, and made a new home with my family in a different state. Soon, I’ll be making even another home in yet another state. But this journey isn’t about me. I’m only making these moves because I’ve allowed God to break me and show me where he’d like me to go. I know the breaking and remolding isn’t over. And I’m okay following. I don’t have it all together. But I know that as I listen and obey, Jesus is revealing one more frame of this production he calls my life.

I think I’d like a granny smith now.

[1] Psalm 103

[2] As quoted in Brennan Manning’s “Abba Child”

[3] Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)